日记 23/03/2020

今天开始， 突然有个感觉想写下我自己的心情

23/03/2020

今天还在Movement Control 还是一样只可以出去打包就回来吃， 现在是3.20 下午， 刚打完dota 看着窗外， 想起了你， 其实每时每刻都在想起你。

察觉到有很多话要跟你说， 今天也是你提起分手的第7 天， 心里还是很沉重， 我知道我是放不下你的， 太容易想起我们一起经理过的7年多， 虽然很多吵闹， 可是最终我们还是在一起， 真的希望这次还是一样。

我每天都在改变， 都尽量跟你多点交流，多点话题， 我自己也是觉得我们越来越好，我真的没想到你会提出分手。

我自己一静下来肯定想起你，想起你的笑容， 想起跟你一起闹脾气， 我真的很想念。

先在每天都是心里含着泪，哭不出来， 比以前更难受！

想回去我也是真的有时没放太多时间给你， 这次如果我们还能再一起我答应肯定把我的更多时间留给你。

差不多是时候我出来再创多一次， 这次 我有很大的信心我会成功， 如果我真的成功了我最希望的是你还在我身边， 不然我所做的一切真的是完全无意义了。

你也知道我在JB买屋子买车全部是因为你。

今天就到这边吧。 应该没人会读到我写的吧， 毕竟很多年都没有再update 这个blog 了。

我是真的找不到人聊心事呀， 只可以对自己说！

Erm, this time i really put in extra effort, even though i can see the result improve quite alot, but is not the number that i really expected!!


What the hell is in my mind, i cannot be satisfied!
This may lead me to the wrong decision making at other time, but it might bring me to the next few level as well..

Starting today, i have to do a lot of planning, and eventually the friends close to me will become lesser and lesser without my realization. I also expect to have more new friends, erm, not call as friend, but partner!!

Honestly, i really still do not get what i really want.

let the time tell the story then!!

Never thought to see your facE again, suddenly you shown up in front of me, really shocked me!!
It shown that how much I am missing you!

But, I only able to say hello then you left! Sounds pathetics!!!

Seriously, should I do that? I'm not that kind of person last time!!
Since when I have changed that much?

Do I really have to choose another road?
Out of idea!!!! D@mn!!!!

I think I'm a bit over do it already!!

MAybe I can just stick to it and no more returning BACK !!!

Undeniable, the one I am missing all the time is still u, or I should say the one I love is still you!
I can always find u in my heart!!

Love is painful thing, but sometime love brings happiness!

I think I still treating u as a kid, because there is no way I can tell u are mature!!

Erm..

Offday, but ended up staying at home slp.
Good also la, go out also got nothing to do as well!!

Last night SMSing with u make me recall a lot of thing about you.
But now is just not the time for all those thing yet!

Stress changes me a lot, again, is the one that i never expected!!

Anyway, let me finish my offday first....

Human learn and grow up from mistake they made, is nothing to be shame of as long as we understand it well.

last time i can not even take my mistake as a mistake, but good thing is, now i can due to one reason, i gave up most of my past already.

I do not even have the time to think back the thing i did but I am trying to do something different instead.

If everyone use the excuse that experience is everything, then the world would never change, ever!! level

To make ourselves move to the next, do something other people never do..

The person that i expected to be few years ago, now totally in opposite direction:

I have became someone that i myself also cannot recognize.

My thinking, my mind, my soul, is just not me anymore.

Now i am really wondering is it the good beginning or vice verse.

Same old story, i still cannot find my point yet, maybe really need to wait until everything is too late then i can understand.......

Quite miss my old friends now, but got no way to contact them due to long distance.

How realistic have i became?
What is friends meant to me now?
For whole of my life, i never meet a really so called "true friend" and i do not think i want to know what is "true friend" as well.

For me, friend is just a tool, it depends on how you want to use anyway!!
When 2 person or more meet at same place and same time, they are friends. When one or more change or move to other place, they will find a new group or so called "friend" there. Pretty true huh?

Maybe that is called "LIFE" which nobody can avoid.

Because i know non of my friend will read this blog, so i decided to treat this blog as a "partner" where i can share my feeling.

I am getting emo and emo since the day i left my family where it was 4 years ago....

When the time i stepped into working society, i faced a drastic changes in my life, the changes include

the way i talk,
the friends i make,
the places i go,
the food i eat,
the way i behave,
the thing i am thinking,
the way i look at other people,
the way i treat other people,
the way i treat myself,

more or less like that..

THE ONLY THING THAT REMAINED, IS MY HEART..

no matter how hard i tried, i still cannot change my idiot "SOFT" heart...
i give myself 4 years already, still fail... WTH!!!
i have to admit that i born with that kind of heart, no choice.....

soft heart has other meaning, CRUEL...
i do not know whether is it true or not, soft hearted person when they face disappointment, they will become CRUEL, means no heart at all...... THAT'S ME!!

i can give up everything to fight for the thing i want!!
so far never happen before because i do not know what i actually want .. =.=

I am quite understand WHY now!

Even though I have started a new life here, but without my realization, i never really feel happy before.... When the time i look at my friends photos, i can feel their happiness in their eyes....

But what about me? I got a lot of new friends here, but non of them are really my friends like before?

I exposed to more and more new thing comparing to my friends, but i still can see happiness inside their eyes and i cannot see any happiness inside mine/???

I really got no idea what caused me have that kind of thinking??

The only thing i know is there is no way i can change back like 1 year before.
I really faced a drastic changed in my life like somehow i myself also cannot accept it, what about my friends?

I am getting lost, getting lost of my dignity... Cannot understand myself any more....

Actually my memory is still there, just i chose to throw it away, because it brings me too much of pains that sometimes i cannot even withstand it....

at first i thought the changes on me was a good thing, but as time passes by, i realized that i never ever feel happy after the changes...

Is this called LIFE?

Be the one that i do not want to be, do the thing that i do not want to do.....
What else?

I think all those happened is because of i do not know what i want and i also cannot find the point, WHY AM I HERE?